FORGAVE without getting any sOrry🌸

Why the heart feels so heavy and emotions so charred? Why is it getting too tough to share your thoughts with your loved ones? Why is it so hard?

Because we gave the ‘sorry’ when no one asked for it! Because we ‘let it go’ when there was no sincerity! We short-charge our feelings and then when others do the same, we feel hurt. We are saddened by the fact that after all the efforts, all the sacrifices and adjustments things came to this. Yeah, I did everything wholeheartedly and on my own and agree that I never asked for anything in return. But I never asked to be relentlessly questioned, to be insulted, to be emotionally pointed, to be ridiculed and eventually left to feel alone, to live with my emotional and mental turmoil inside. Not a single soul around to hug my heart & say that it’s okay. It’s okay I am here.

With such a loneliness engulfing your identify and a long journey ahead, it’s on us only to get up for ourselves. It hurts and it’s sad. It’s not what I deserve after being truthful, positive, reliable and helpful part of any relation I hold. That’s why it hurts more! They all keep saying that only I can make things happen for them. It’s only me who they have faith in that I will not let them down. Am I a tub of ice-cream 🍨? To soothe their frayed ego, their mental & emotional well-being.. I feel they have lost the idea of my relationship with them. They don’t remember anymore who I am and what my connection is with them. I, with my heart & silence around me is forced to face the reality at last. Whom should I put the blame on? With all the so called talks and efforts going down the drain, is it okay for me to sit & look for that some one who needs to take the blame? Should I make myself into a victim and let it go? All these questions are popping in my mind and heart.. it’s not easy to swallow the insult, to take the hit in your heart when it’s by your loved one. It’s okay to cry, shout or get upset. We need to consider our feelings. We should consider our feelings. At least we should..

Let’s dive in! Let’s dive deep!!

Things happen. Life happens but it needs to go on too. We can’t get stagnant and rot our identity there. We need to take the ownership of our feelings, thoughts & dreams back in our hands. Let’s not beat ourselves for being a fool. We are not an emotional fool for putting others especially our loved ones before our needs and desires. Don’t berate yourself. It’s not gonna get us anywhere. Our soul is hurt and we shouldn’t make it harder for it anymore. Let’s be gentle to ourselves. Not everything goes as per the plan. Every individual thinks, feels and does his/ her own way. I chose too. I chose to have faith in my nurturing, my genuineness, my sincerity. It’s all my choosing so I have to take the results with full heart too. The results hurt a lot. I can’t deny that. All the emotions and thoughts are gushing through me.

Where I went wrong? Am I not smart enough? Am I not worthy enough? Haven’t I tried enough? But after the time has passed and sense has prevailed eventually I realized that I can’t control other’s choices. I can just do my part. Nothing more, nothing less. After you realize it, you can acknowledge the truth and finally accept it too. With acceptance of the situation we can easily move on. We can put things in right perspective and make balanced decisions. We can sort our thoughts about the happenings and move ahead with peace.

We move ahead with few lessons learnt. Some lessons may be hard but some may be beautiful. Life is like that. It doesn’t always go the way we plan. It’s not easy to forgive. It’s easier said than done. Whatever people say, don’t force yourself. It’s too cruel. Things don’t go away overnight. The emotions need space to be able to express themselves freely. They need to be acknowledged. While we were giving away ‘sorry’ these emotions felt ignored. They felt betrayed. What has hurt us has hurt us. There is no denying it. It’s very hard on our emotional well-being when we forgive someone or something without being asked for!

I tried hard to look for reasons behind one’s behavior but at the end of the day there was nothing. Just nothing! When it’s against the dignity no justification works. Not against me or anyone else. One need to be accountable for their actions. Whether it’s right or wrong it’s a different story altogether. Be responsible of your behavior, your attitude and actions or reactions. I have to be too.

We have to look into ourselves and find the calmness and silence. When we let the silence prevail, the answers crop up. From there on we have to take charge and let things flow. Which suits you, keep it. Which doesn’t, let it go. Don’t try to hold onto situations, things or relationships in which you are the only one working. Things don’t work that way. For relations especially, each individual involved has to be equally responsible and ready to work to make it work. Every individual is precious in their own way so let’s not put unnecessary pressure on one. To burden someone consciously or unconsciously with your opinions and ways is not okay. If anyone is feeling obliged to do things a certain way so that you can be happy and satisfied than it’s high time that you re-evaluate the dynamics. It can’t go on like that. Also, the one who is doing things also shouldn’t take the unnecessary burden of other’s feelings and opinions. A relationship needs constant and balanced involvement.

All being said, it’s alright to look after yourself so let’s do it. Don’t force yourself for anything. Let’s the soul rest when it is tired. Let it re-energize and accommodate. It can help us in handling the situations in a better way. It has worked for me a lot. Repeatedly. I first tried to force the situation as it is on myself and move on. But it wasn’t working. I became over-emotional and was circling around people and things not ready to face anything. Everyone and everything was making me cry. Than I accepted that I can’t do it and I don’t need to do this. I should not force myself to move, to laugh. It hurts too much.

Let’s bloom. I gave myself time. I took things in my hands and decided that I need space to heal and won’t act like nothing happened. I acknowledged all pent up feelings and accepted them. I am not weak just because I wasn’t able to move on. I have my pace. I am gona decide that. I may not be able to control situations from arising but I am surely not going put it under the carpet now. It helped and it worked. I am happy that I took time. It gave me so much power. It made me smile.😊

It matters to me!! I can now forgive and look at things with clear mind. I have learnt my life lessons so I feel more confident and capable. Now, I don’t force myself. If something is not right than I don’t turn my head but acknowledge it. I give myself time if I need it. No one else is going to decide for me how long I am going to take to forgive.

I have my pace and my way… it’s healing with smile.